“Family Table with a Dead Boy”

Friday night, 20:38. I’m sitting alone in my room. Lights are out and darkness reigns. Only the laptop’s screen is shining as well as some bracelets I have from Army Academy. It’s weird, you know. This is the first Friday after a very long time that I won’t be there. The first Friday in fact that I ain’t sure of what I am gonna do tonight and most importantly IF I’m gonna do anything at all. Back in my hometown. How unfortunate. Back into that same room, that colourless, untouched place. Back there to that feeling that the walls coming closer. Struggling to suffocate me as I am fighting for one more breath.

In here, in this cold white room I feel dead. It always was and still is the place where I would pass by to “charge” myself. You know, to get ready for the next night-out, to fix my hair or to change my clothes. To restore the scars in that “shiny” image of me. To blow life in me once more. Yet in this place where I would be “reincarnated” I’d always feel dead, trapped inside it.

So now I am sitting on my chair. Wet hair, wet body. With nothing to cover my body but a towel. I have to get ready again but I can’t stop that urge to write. To give into my misery. And these words seem to leave my hand by themselves. Against my will, against my command.

Maybe the worst thing of all is that I’ll spend this Christmas with my family. Haven’t done so for five years. It seems like an eternity but I remember so well how it felt. Always by choice I didn’t spend it with my family. In fact every December 25th I am alone. At least without any of my friends or my family. For 24 hours I am with myself mostly.  For five years now, I arrange to be in C. for Christmas. Because on that day I always wanna be alone. But that ain’t the case for now. The reasons why I need to do that are out of subject for now.

Nevertheless tonight I have one of those “infamous” family dinners. Just me, my parents and my sister. A family table with a dead boy. For that’s what I am. A dead boy. I’ll be there, sitting silently, staring at them while they put me down. Just by the way they look at me. That  disappointment will be again so clear in their eyes. Especially now that the university subject is still “on”.

And I’ll be there. Perfect outside but shattered on the inside. And they’ll be there. Wondering what has gone wrong. Why I didn’t make it into a university, why I don’t have any goals in my life and everything. And all that because they refuse to see what I dream to do. Because they don’t wanna listen, no matter how hard I try to tell them, to make them realise that I do have goals and dreams and that I am willing to fight  for them. Not good enough for them, they are. But they are for me. They are my dreams, dreams about my life.

And I will sit there. On that table. A being already ruined by its eccentrisism but mostly by its inclemency and “charm”. By that “shine” it has. A being suppressed by all the expectations people have of it. A being with so many unfinished, unspoken dreams. I will sit there. Staring at them with blank eyes, trying to put up with what they say, with what they demand of me. Hoping that the time will pass by as fast as possible. All alone. With just another bottle of wine as my companion which will vainly empty in my glass.

This entry I’ll finish with a song by one of my favourite artists, Tarja Turunen: Boy & the Ghost. For all I wanted was some understanding. Somebody to see who I am. But not tonight. Tonight the dead boy will be out again. On that family table, like it always was..

“Money Wandering”

So.. After several awkward days (see: Wednesday’s randomness, Friday’s depression, Saturday’s wildness), I’m once more left with no money at all, extremely hangover and ready to burst by anger (for some unexplainable reason). Yesterday, how unfortunate, I arrived back to my hometown where I’ll spend the rest of the week.

Well spending that last night in my home was out of question of course. But where could I go without any money at all? Don’t know really. Yet I went out anyway. And on my own too since everybody was exhausted by Saturday’s partying.

Anyhow I’m hungry. (Despite the present tense it’s about Sunday night since I’ve made this entry in my mind as I was walking around and wrote it down on Sunday night too.) And I wanna smoke too. Badly. Like really, really badly. Maybe that’s why I’m so furious and unable of putting up with anything today. For the first I could cook at my home. But I’m bored. And I’m hungry for MacDonald’s.

I wander around the city on my own. No certain destination or anything. Most likely no certain route to follow too. I just walk around silently, drowned in my thoughts. Meanwhile, lamely I look out for money. No luck honestly.

I wonder though; how comes and I find no money at all on the streets? Where have the days gone when I would find money all the time? When I could make a living out of it if I liked to. No kidding. I used to find like fifty box per day when I was in C..

So what happened now? Did people start being careful with the way they are “storing” their money in their bags and pockets? Or maybe they have no money at all to lose in the first place? On the other hand could the people wandering the streets in hope of finding money have become more than ever before? Who knows..?

Still I really wish to find some money right now. Five bucks are enough. Just for a packet of cigarettes. But I’ve been walking around for a pretty long while already and I had no luck at all.

By now, I’m in the biggest square of C. passing by a fountain there. Funny thing; that fountain used to be full of coins (no, I wouldn’t take them anyway). Coins thrown inside by people who would make wishes. What has happened? All those people have stopped believing in the fountain-wishes? I know I have though. Long ago.

“They say that when you’ve lost all faith, something will happen to restore it back.”

That’s what I’ve heard. But at the same time they say that only if you believe strongly in something it might happen. Yeah.. Confusing I know.. What are we supposed to do? Believe or not believe..?

It’s ironical. Just like there’s Murphy’s Law (you can never find what you look for) and at the same time people claim that when you want something badly then the whole universe itself schemes so you can get it.

Gosh. Shouldn’t we make up our minds instead of confusing everyone with those sayings..?

Anyhow little do I care which of them is more prominent to happen. Most probably both. For now all I know is that as I walking around, thinking exactly this I notice a packet of cigarettes on the street; Brand new and sealed. And it was my brand too!

Guess my lucky star still shines..?

P.S.: I’m sorry I’m late putting the post up. Normally, by today I should have posted another on Monday-Tuesday, but unfortunately my internet connection here is totally messed up. I’ve been trying to upload this since Monday with no chance at all. There will be pictures too as soon as I go back because I can’t upload them either..

Out of Hand, Out of  Plan..!

“When things get out of plan, they go wrong. That’s what you see, For me though, it’s exactly then that the real fun begins.

Everything’s f#cked up and keeps getting worse, I know. Who cares? I know I don’t.

It won’t hamper me. It won’t take me down. I’ll keep on smiling brightly. Yeah, even if it freaks you out.

In the end that’s the point; F#ck it. Just f#ck it and do it.

The game’s on.

And we have to play, don’t we..?”

That was my Facebook status on Thursday (December 16th) morning. It’s the outcome of a wild, awkward, crazy and random day. A day during which everything wasn’t right and nothing was wrong. Weird I know. How could that be? Well it’s pretty simple in fact. Everything went out of plan, beyond control for me due to several strikes around C., especially due to the general public transportation strike.

Well let me explain a bit. Today (December 15th) I had to walk around C. for several hours and miles to get errands done which could no longer be postponed or I didn’t have the choice to do so in the first place. And really, walking that much is a hardship even for the gym-fanatics – and I am not one of them. I do love walking around the city on my own for miles but I prefer doing it without having any appointment to catch. Anyhow, things weren’t so good for a friend of mine too. Her name is Maansi, an Indian girl living in the States whom I met at my hometown in early October and was now stuck in C. unable to fly back to the States due to the airport strike. At least she had found a friend to crash at her place though.

As soon as I found out I tried to push her into an already crowded schedule I had for today. In the end, we decided to meet downtown once I was done with my errands. That was 21:00 o’clock. She was wandering around with that friend she was staying at, Daria, a Greek girl from Corfu*(if I recall correctly). All of us were jaded and fed up with all the stupidities going on but guess what; it was a blast!

At first we went to that small bar called “The 7 Jokers”. A wonderful one, fabulously decorated in a “Nightmare Before Christmas” theme. Great cocktail in a gorgeous environment accompanied by beautiful alternative music and a most lovely company. How bubbly is that? Later on we  decided that we are not in the “going-home-already” mood and so we arranged to hit the clubs. The decision was Army Academy since Daria loves gay clubs, Maansi has never been to one and me.. Well, it’s me. It had a drag show too and Sven would join us there.

On our way there though, we ended up stopping by an Indian restaurant  to eat just because we passed by. Funny thing; it was a classy-formal one. And there we were three youngsters giggling and being really loud. I don’t know why we didn’t get kicked out of the place. The food was far more than terrific though. Tasted like heaven and it was cheap too. Well I love all kinds of Asian cuisine but the Indian one just got a raise.

In the end we laughed our hearts out at the drag show and we danced our legs off too. I could hardly walk on Thursday after all that walking and dancing.

To my mind though, comes the conversation I had with Eddie (Shin’s new boyfriend) this morning (December 20th). We arguing about whether keeping your mind strictly to your “goal” (or to the reason why you are at place) is right or wrong. I vote for the second. Honestly. Just f#ck it. Have a goal always in your life and pursue but don’t forget; you gotta enjoy the ride above everything else. Keep in mind that the destination itself is nothing compared to the journey, so you have to make it worthwhile. No matter how cheesy this line might sound it’s true. Be open to everything around, to every single possibility and don’t worry if you stray a bit (or a  lot) out of the “right” way. Who knows? Maybe in the end you’ll have fun along that way (You’ll most probably have in fact).

And just keep fighting. Wading through the obstacles in your way. Don’t give up at the first one. Katy Perry claims that we are “fireworks“. We are. Colourful, magical, bright. We just have to ignite. And after a random and wild day I came to realise one thing more than ever before; Even if we are down and out, devastated, jaded and sick of everything there’s still light. Yep, even in the thickest night there is. You just gotta open up your eyes to see it. Welcome everything and everyone in your heart. It won’t be painless. But the happiness, the joy you’ll get will be worth a hundred of times the pain you’ll suffer.

And you know.. Keep smiling. Or start smiling now. Even if it freaks other people out. Keep it up. Show them your worth. Show them that you keep shining brightly, that you’re still full of love to give and full of life whether you fall or fly.

Amy MacDonald says that we are the “spark“. The spark needed to set our world alight..

* Corfu: Corfu is a Greek Island. For more details and info you can always look in Wikipedia or google it. (P.S.: Surprisingly enough the Automatic Proofread doesn’t underline it.. Well that means I got it right I guess.)

“In Chaos Stability Can One Find..?”

Ugh. A terribly long & abnormally exhausting week. Well it had everything this week. It was fun – a lot of fun indeed – it was tiring, it was relaxing, it was entertaining, it was boring. But I above all else, I believe it was confusing. One thing for sure though for these days. After a long while there’s a stability in my life; the chaos. And moreover the fact that my life dwells deeper into chaos and confusion. That, step by step, I question and doubt my very existence and what I really desire. I can see myself changing but it’s a change painstaking and slow. I can feel it as this city is killing me from the inside. As the constant rejection lately seems too much for me to take and that I can no longer struggle to stand up to their expectations about me. It was always there and I knew it oh-so-well; it was constantly killing me to know that people expect me to become something great, a perfection’s incarnation perhaps. And it tires me to know they don’t care; for what I want, for what I feel.

Nevertheless, in these days I feel like a double person in one body. Or more than just two people in one body anyway. Like on Friday (December 10th) night I was that fragile little thing; wishing for somebody to rely on. A being which can take no more hits, no more cracks. I felt like that. Cold and alone despite being surrounded by people. I felt weak and fragile; breakable. Needing more than ever that “charming prince” to come and save me from all my nightmares; to give me my happily ever after. But on Saturday (December 11th) I was back to that cold-hearted-bitch I usually am. Tough and strong. Untouchable seemingly. But in fact, I was back to that being who causes you all those misconceptions. That being which you believe to be utterly tough but in fact it’s fragile. In fact all it takes for it to be shattered into numerous little shards is just a wrong touch, gentle or not, it will still be enough. A being whose’s only strength is the fact that it is unafraid to hurt itself; and so it is able to pull everything over the limits and play ’till the end.

No it’s not a way of “defence”. I refuse that to believe or accept. I have no need of defences to protect me from the people around me. After all, I tend to seek the pain from those around me. It’s a way of defence against myself; for I know that I could never possibly dare to let my nightmares out. Such a selfish thing it would be. For I know that if I ever did that I would ruin so many; whether they deserve it or not, I am not the one to judge them or “punish” them.

And so I fight. For their understanding which I never seem to find. For their compassion, for their love. I know well. Life is a war. Nothing will ever change that. We’ll always have to fight.

But I’m jaded. Too exhausted. Can I take any more hits..? For how long can I fight to become something great in their eyes? Instead of becoming something for myself..? For much more can I struggle to be what they want me to be..? I ain’t a superhero. I ain’t any kind of super-man, ultra-powerful and totally perfect. I make mistakes. In fact I do it all of the time. I’m just a person but why can’t they take it? I have my “goods”, I have my “bads”. I cannot give one of the two only. And I can’t stand the way people tend to turn a blind eye to all my “bad moments”. Turning a blind eye to everything they don’t wanna see or everything that is not in their advantage.

It kills me.

And I wonder. Will it change? Will ever those people, who are supposed to be with me in sickness and in health (cheesy line I know), be really on my side? And not silently? But with words and actions? Can they ever understand what I need and what I want? The fact that I need to make mistakes to learn? That I will make mistakes and that I will fall on my knees. And then.. Then I’ll need their help but when their words or silence keeps ringing in my head, reminding me that they won’t aid me since I failed, how can I?

It’s funny though. For I never promised anything to none. But they keep binding me. Nevertheless. Can I go on like this..?

Well.. in the end I realise one thing; Life is a war. And I’ll keep on fighting even against all odds. For what I want. For what I feel. For my dreams. For my heart..

And I won’t let no one pull me down.

“Sweet Guys Finish Last..(?)”

Well today was once more a pretty disturbing day.. Firstly Manuel; he avoided me last night and I heard that his best friend claims he had sex with me – something which is a lie. So maybe that’s the reason. On the other hand, today I found out that Manuel is friends with Shin, my previous crush as well as my ex allegedly best friend (We were hardly even friends so that’s why he is “allegedly”). Nevertheless me and Shin were and still are constantly at odds and that has caused several “mishappenings” in the past. I know it’s just a wild guessing but since Manuel knows him and know too that both me and Shin are from the same place, then most probably he has asked him about me. And I think we all know what that means. I mean what “frenemy’ says a good word about his rival? None.

My last guess is that Manuel realised he doesn’t like me after all, that I’m too much, too wild for him in the end. Really I hope – and wish – that’s not the case ’cause I don’t think I will be able to take this again. You know, falling for a guy who doesn’t want me.

Anyhow this entry ain’t about Manuel though. It’s about Taylor (“Tails”). One of the guys I went out with last night. He isn’t really my friend truth be told. I met him during the summer, once or twice, at my hometown. We started speaking once I came in C. and that was just because it happens to have some common acquaintances.

Well he’s good-looking. Definitely. Slim and tall with dark complexion (not chocolate dark though) and expressive eyes. Fun and out-going too. But I think that the worst is that he is sweet and nice. To me. And oh how I hate that.

On Saturday night he gave me some drinks (he gets them for free in Army Academy for a reason) and practically found me cigarettes so I could smoke. I know that’s not so nice and sweet but it is for me. People who usually give me drinks expect me to get laid with them too. As when they pretty much do anything for me. But he didn’t. And even if he did, it was in a very subtle way. Today he was speaking to me on FB, trying to calm me down with all the stuff that went on last night and being like “Oh my god! You must be joking! Would you like to go out or something so you could take your mind off it..?” when I told him about the cab man who tried to “rape” me while I was returning home with a totally wasted Sven. (Well he didn’t exactly try to rape me, but I’m sure that what he did is pretty much sexual harassment. And okay I was a bit distraught by all that but okay I guess I can manage).

And I think that it was even more sweet of him, you know to care for me in that way. But honestly; I – HATE – IT. Literally. I always laugh when there are those friends of mine (girls mostly) nagging about where the fuck sweet and nice guys have been. Well truth be told they don’t want them as I don’t too. But they usually fail to realise it. Because they get that nice and caring and loving guy but they get bored with him. They get bored without all those drama-queen-scenes, without having him being jealous of everybody and without having to nag about the way he treats them. It’s true; Sweet guys finish last. And we treat them like nobodies in the end. We ignore them and everything.

A shame, I know. But it’s true. When we are young most of us don’t want a sweet guy but a “bad boy”. The one who will put us through “hell” and everything. Well I ain’t exactly like that. But I suck at relationship-things. For real. And that’s why I don’t want Tails or anyone being sweet to me. ‘Cause I’ll just dump them just an hour later. And I don’t wanna do that. We need those guys, those “gentlemen”. We need them sooner or later so we can have somebody to rely on.

I know I’m being foolish. But I just can’t help it. I’m sure that I’ll just end up hurting him. After all it’s true; I ruin everything I touch.

But today I wonder.. Is it possibly for him to be worth it..? Worth to give it a chance maybe..? But on the other hand I’m stuck with Manuel. He knows it already. Am I really worth his heart and its breaking..? Nah,  I doubt it..

Just for fun though I post this song too. Emilie Autumn is the singer and it’s called “Gentlemen aren’t nice”. Another cynical masterpiece of hers. And she says exactly this thing I pointed out. We treat the “gentlemen” like shit while we chase like dogs the “bad boys”.

Enjoy

“I Want More U F%^$er!!”

Well this night was pretty disturbing. As ever I was out. I mentioned it in previous “Countdown” entries that by Sunday night I mean the hours after midnight, something like Saturday night or something. Well the night of the week that everybody goes out clubbing. (God I know I become confusing, I’m so sorry).

Anyhow we went out, once more, to Army Academy. Basically Sven, did with some other friends, Xander, Jim & Taylor. I was penniless. Like totally penniless. So we went “square drinking” with Amy at the gay neighborhood’s square. It was packed and everything with people who were drinking too. Nevertheless it was fun but I really wanted to go to Army Academy in hope of finding Manuel. I asked the guys to pay the entrance fee for me and keep the ticket themselves so they could have the drink and I would give them the money as soon as I had it (yep I know that it was an extremely good proposal for any of them since basically they’d take the drink and the money but I really didn’t expect them to give me money like that). With the Army Academy’s prices it’s exactly like getting a second drink. Or a little bit more expensive (maybe a euro or something).

Well at first the guys didn’t give me any money, claiming they don’t have at all. Later Xander though decided that he would take another drink and paid the entrance fee for me. Gosh! I hated him so much for lying to me! (As I adored him too since he practically got me inside). Honestly I wouldn’t mind him saying that he was money but he doesn’t wanna give me because it’s his last or something. Anyway by the time I was there Sven was already f#cked up, totally wasted, dancing semi-naked on the bar with a random ugly guy with whom he wouldn’t even speak if he was sober. Basically it was 04:00 o’clock in the night already.

Well anyway. Sven started throwing when the guys had left. It must had been about 05:30 or something by then. Thankfully a guy who was making out with was taking care of him ’till 06:00 but then I had to. And it really fucked up my night. I hadn’t seen Manuel at all and as I was sitting with Sven trying to get him to leave the place, I saw Manuel entering. And he saw me. But he didn’t speak to me. In fact he avoided me!?! And I couldn’t leave Sven.

Why not? Because I know how it feels. I know how it feels to be on the floor, unable to make your body move or anything and having no one to help you out. No one near you to make you feel protected and safe. To make you feel that you have a chance of getting to a familiar place to sleep it all off. That’s usually the case with me. I don’t have anyone to pick me up after a bad drinking session. And I have to pick myself up and make it home, on my own.

But it gets me mad. People say that you get what you give. It doesn’t really work this way with me though. I’m there for all my friends when they need me. In any way they do. If they need money, I’ll give them even if I’m pretty much penniless. If they need a shoulder to cry on I’ll try my best to comfort them. I’ll carry them home when they’re drunk and anything. I really don’t expect something in return when I do that. I still do it for myself and I know that oh-so-well. I do it just in belief of that saying. I do it because I know how it feels. To have nobody to speak to, to rely on. To make you feel safe. To make you feel that you’re protected and that when you fall you hold on him.

And I realise now that I’m jaded now. I’m tired of giving and giving and giving. And taking nothing in return. And they don’t seem to realise that. They don’t seem to understand (most of them at least) that I have things I wanna do and say; emotions other than happiness. I can’t speak to anyone about something bad happening to me ’cause they don’t care to listen. I’ll have to present in a foolish, funny way just to get it out off my chest. And no matter how much I give, there’s always somebody to ask for more. To need something more.

Whatever I give ain’t enough. I believe I would stand giving away that much if it was even appreciated. If they could thank me for that or congratulated me for my effort. Not just my friends. My parents too. It’s that stupid belief though that parents have. You shouldn’t congratulate your children because they stop trying being sure that they are good. What a lie. It just makes you insecure. It just gives you the idea that you are not enough.

But the query of this day is this: For how long is somebody capable of giving without taking? How long before he hits rock bottom? How long ’till he’s left with nothing more to give..?

“I Can’t Place You!!”

So I guess that today wasn’t that exciting. I went downtown to see Aileen at approximately 15:00 o’clock. We had a lot of fun but still nothing worth mentioning about. I didn’t sleep again and going out with Sven at Army Academy in the night (And I mean the night just after Friday’s midnight) wasn’t so much fun as I expected. And I didn’t find Manuel despite the fact that a friend of his told me he was there. IDK where he was. But the point is that I didn’t meet him.

On top of that I learnt that I’ve looking for Manuel on FB in vain since I was searching with the wrong name. And just imagine that I got banned for five days to be unable to add anyone. And just when I found him before meeting Aileen, he deleted his account!! (Like what?!?!)

Anyhow during the night (again the night after Friday’s midnight), I was at Army Academy and some girls are coming to me at a point being like: “Oh my god! You were working in [my hometown] during the summer in a store that sold all that funny stuff, right?”

Well it’s not the first time this happens since I’ve been in C.. It doesn’t bother me that they come and speak to me. I enjoy it nevertheless. (And those girls really made the night a lot more interesting than it was before..) What it does annoy me though is the fact that they expect me to remember meeting them. For real. What are you thinking honey?

You were in the store for how long? Ten minutes? Fifteen? More? We talked and I believe you when you say we did but you were one of the hundreds that I would speak every single day! How I am supposed to remember you and every one of you?!

And this thing tires me too. I mean I honestly can’t stand being unable to place people. I was checking my FB friends (and on my FB account I only add people I know personally and no one else) and I was struggling to realize whether I do know some of them. But they had pictures with me. Pictures I don’t fudging remember shooting. In fact some of them I couldn’t remember them at all!

I walk in the street and there comes that guy/girl and starts speaking to me. But I am wondering whether I know him/her or not. As I mentioned above, I don’t mind them talking to me. But I mind their demanding me to remember them since we’ve together for an extremely short while.

The irony in this thing though is the fact that I know many people who would wish to be in my place. Having people talking to them all the time. Making always an impression on people so they wouldn’t forget them after a couple of minutes. And I have that “popular” thing but I can’t stand it at times. It’s fun indeed (I love interacting with people anyway) but not when they start with obnoxious thing of whether I remember them or not.

Well in the end I guess today proved the fact that most of the time we want what we don’t have. But if we really took a moment and took a look at all the pros & the cons of what we have and what we don’t, would we still want the latter? Or maybe would we realize that we don’t need it after all..?

P.S. I’m extremely stupid by the way. I was making eggs for dinner and I ended up setting the pan on fire ‘cause I forgot them! It was hilarious!!! But it smelled kinda bad though..

Friday, December 3rd 2010

“Going Under”

So today wasn’t that exciting and everything. I realised that I hate one thing the most in the C.. And that’s not the fact that it’s so dirty and polluted with litter everywhere around you. A thing that has been strengthened by the fact that the garbage men were on strike for nearly a week. Thankfully the strike has finished today ’cause rubbish had nearly inundated the streets. It’s neither the fact that people here are so damn cold, always in a hurry to go somewhere and hesitant to interact with any other person. What I hate the most  is the fact that I am unable to see the sky.

I cannot see the stars in the sky during the night since it’s extremely polluted and covered by a constant “cloud”. And I love just standing and staring at the stars above me. I adore their infinity and the magic they hold. In my hometown where the sky was far more clear, you could see the stars expanding through the sky, forming elaborate undefined shapes. Furthermore I hate the fact that I am unable to see both the dawn and the dusk. So many tall buildings are covering the horizon. And both dusk and dawn are things that entwine me, enchant me every time I watch them. The way the sky from dark turns to bright, gradually as the sun is emitting behind the sea or a mountain (depending on where you are), or how the sky gets that purple and deep orange colour as the sun is sinking in the sea. Twilight (And I’m so NOT talking about the book). It’s the most lovely thing in the world. And I can’t help feeling incomplete as I am unable to get lost in its magnificence. Dawn symbolizes the rise of hope, the beginning of a brand new day. Dusk is the end of it. The succumb to our passions. When the monsters come alive.

Nevertheless I don’t know if that’s the reason I keep going down lately. Falling on my knees never seemed to “please” me more. It seems that every step I take is leading me closer to the ruining of either my body or soul. Opheliac. As Emilie Autumn calls it. I am my worst enemy. And I just stare as I open up to people I know they will betray me. As I chase that one more drink or cigarette. As I “play” with people who could hurt me. Going insane? I don’t really know. I can’t tell anymore. Suddenly I feel on my own. I always were and I knew it. It hurts me knowing so many people and most of them not caring but a couple of ones. But I still go on to meet more of them.

Sometimes I feel like Ke$ha, meaning the image she “sells”. That oh-so-drunk, oh-so-high, oh-so-wasted thing she usually is or pretends to be (I can’t really know which is true since I don’t know her personally). Other times I feel like Monroe. Taking me hours to go out, just to be “perfect”. Arriving late, “shining” in my (personal) stylish image. Not as a mask though. My feelings are still there, to be seen by everyone. If I’m sad I show it even if everything else seems to be “perfect”. I don’t like pretending. I don’t like putting a mask on every time I step out my house and therefore playing the role of that perfectly happy person. Like Monroe did. But in her eyes, the windows to our souls as some name them, anyone could see it. She was broken. Torn and betrayed. Usually that’s the case with me. Only in my eyes one can see my sorrow since I’m easily carried away from it when I’m around friends of mine. And so I feel happy and I show that. But deep inside I still feel bad but not that much as when I am alone..

Tonight I had arranged to go to that jazz concert. I ended up arriving there just half an hour before it finished. Lame I know. But I couldn’t help it. I just couldn’t bring myself to leave the misery of my house nor the pleasure of the stories I write. Stories that could be an alternative reality. Where I would be more tough and strong..

It’s not that I hate myself though. I like me the way I am. I enjoy fighting for what I want rather than being given it just like that. But there are those times that I feel I’m going under.. And it scares me so f#cking much..

Wednesday, December 1st 2010

“Self-Destruct Truth”

Today is the first day of December. Thirty more days ’till the year 2010 comes to an end. Other than that, it is the World AIDS day (I had a post ready for this but as I explained above I was unable to  post it *mad face*). So I decided that for the next 30 days of this last month I will post an entry, small one, about things that have caught my attention. About things I do or think. Expectations I have or disappointments I get. Most of those entries will be posted one day later or if I manage to, they will be posted by the end of the day they are about. The entries might be daily or some days might not be included. Not all of my days are worth mentioning and unfortunately I don’t have the time to daily update this blog.

I really hope I can post some pictures of things I’ve noticed but since my camera has broken down I’ll have to rely on my sister’s. Whenever she doesn’t take it. The reason why I decided to do this is unknown even to me. I thought it would be “amusing” to see how my perception of things change day by day. How some things, so simple and plain, fascinate me when other, far more elaborate and “exciting”, fail to do so. The way my high expectations disappoint me or hurt me.

Well nevertheless, the first day of December finds me struggling with my insomnia which is getting worse and worse day by day. It’s just another sleepless day. In fact I slept today from 18:00 to 21:30 after several sleepless days. It exhausts me but at the same time it makes me feel more “icy”* than usual. So today wasn’t that great day after all. Only once I woke up and went out with some friends at approximately 23:00 o’clock things worth mentioning happened.

What I realised is that I have the attitude to fail to meet deadlines. I really suck at it. I really can’t help it. Whether I want or not I’ll end up being late. No matter how much I struggle to make it on time.

Anyhow, the first day of December found me trapped in a “he said, she said” game once more. That stupid thing which goes like: “Oh that one told me that about you which was told by that one and blah blah blah.” I don’t care. It still annoys me. And I can’t get the reason why people tend to think so highly of this stupidity. Nevertheless through this I realised something about a person who I considered a friend. Surprisingly it didn’t hurt me. Maybe because I had nearly realised it by myself. I’ve got no idea. But I didn’t even got disappointed by the fact that this specific person doesn’t like me that much.

But what really surprised me today was the fact that people expect me to be emotionless. I’m the slut who has no feelings. Am I? If I’m not, should I be?

And I wonder. People usually like me – or hate me – just because of that. Because I’m unafraid to speak my mind, unafraid to hurt them with my truth. Because I’m emotionless. But at the same time don’t they want me to love them too? If I really was emotionless, would they like me then? Would they like that absolutely cold-hearted bitch I can be? I’m not emotionless. I am not unafraid to speak the truth whether it will hurt somebody or not. It hurts me to hurt people I love or like.

But what Lil’ Lemon had posted on her FB status today that “the feeling of self-preservation is stronger than that of self-destruction” just doesn’t seem to be my case. Not for a long while. It just seems that with every step I take I get to ruin myself even more. And day by day this gets worse. And albeit I can see it, I don’t seem to be able to stop it. I apparently like seeing myself on the floor, crawling. I open up to people, knowing that they will most probably hurt me and disappoint me. But I still do. For I can’t stand the fact that I didn’t give the chance to somebody to show me what he/she is.

So in the end, is taking chances a way of self-destruction..?

Thursday, December 2nd 2010

“Magic Does Exist..?”

So this today’s entry begins by midnight, just a while after Lil’ Lemon and Akarui left for their homes. I remained downtown. Lately I seem to enjoy more than ever to be on my own, wandering around the town. For no reason in particular. Though I soon found some friends who were out partying downtown and arranged to meet them. The first thing that surprised me was around at 00:30 as I walked to “gay neighbourhood” of C. (in fact most of the clubs and bars are in that neighbourhood – gay or not -). I could listen to music as I approached the middle of the “shopping street” of the capital. But the street was nearly. But as I got there (there’s a small square there too), I saw them. Two people playing guitar and singing with other people having joined them. And they were singing loudly, happily Bob Marley’s “No Woman, No Cry”. But they weren’t alone.

They were surrounded by other people who happened to pass by and decided to sit down and enjoy the music. And I couldn’t help it. I stopped and sat down at the street near to other people. Entwined by the feelings which were floating in the air. Not just by the music but by everything. By the way people who had other things to do. Had friends waiting for them to go out, had decided to stop and enjoy the music.

There was that woman sitting close to me. Dressed formally and everything, carrying that briefcase, looking so firm and serious. A lawyer maybe? Two girls sitting on a bench holding each other in their laps. They even kissed. But no one cared to start calling them names. A girl with eyes red and her make up destroyed by tears. She was smiling now though. A couple of friends laughing and talking loudly. Immigrants. Locals. Junkies. Gays. Rich. Poor. Sad. Happy. Alone. Accompanied. Betrayed. Disappointed. Suppressed. Overjoyed. Carefree. They were there among the small crowd formed in that square. But it was of no importance. As the “band” sang happily, laughing and enjoying themselves, it didn’t matter. All of us were just people. People who enjoyed the magic of the moment. Who soon were dragged into it, as the “band members” pulled us all to sing along whether we could sing or not. To play an instrument whether we knew how to or not.

And no one seemed to try to put down somebody. We were all having fun. And in the darkness of the night, the street was full of colours. An amazing scenery painted by us and spreading around little by little. Getting bigger or smaller as people joined in or left. Magical and colourful. Despite being dark and cold it felt warm and there was light. It was our light, our warmth. It was caused by the way we had opened up, allowed each other to approach us as who he/she is and not as a fake veil.  No matter who he or she was. Because we were there. Brought together by something, opened up to a temporary world where we were just humans. Was it the music? Was it the outcome, the destructive outburst of our attitude of being cold to each other as we wander in the vast city? Was it just magic?

The other thing which surprised me was not that good. It was a man who spoke to me, asking for money. Claiming he got AIDS and everything and even daring to threaten me that he has a needle on him and if I don’t check if I have money on me that he will stick me with it, so I’d get ill too. Well the first surprise was the fact that I wasn’t scared. I was fascinated by it, by that rush. And despite his constant threats I didn’t leave. I could go on and leave. There were people around and easily I could draw attention to myself. But I didn’t want to. I know well that people with AIDS tend to harbour hate for other people. From what I know, there was a case once of people having deliberately sex with others so they could infect them with AIDS. Just because they felt that it was unfair for themselves to get AIDS.

Nevertheless I didn’t leave. For a reason I felt like a moth drawn to the flame, I was drawn to the danger of his words. Soon to realise that they were lies. And that was the second surprise. How that man could pretend, lie for a thing like that. I know the world we live ain’t a paradise. But with such ease? With no remorse in his eyes? And little by little I could see everything he claimed was a lie. The needle? It was sealed, unused. The guy sitting over there, on the bench against us? He was with him. A carefully planned trick it was. To get as much money they could from their “victims”. I could drop out from the game but I kept playing. Taking steps towards self-destruction, once more apparently. Wanting my mobile to call his brother, thinking I was unable to see that he wasn’t calling anybody. And then trying to walk away with it, going to the place he would supposedly meet him. Of course while people were around just as I asked he gave it back to me. Afraid of the fact I could draw attention to me. He didn’t want that yet. He just tried to get me to a more isolated place. And I just followed him. I don’t know why I couldn’t bring myself to walk away. I would lose control as soon as there was no one around. But I just walked towards that destruction. Still feeling my heart beating fast, entwined by the magic of what had happened before at the “shopping street”.

But in the end I bailed out. Foolishly by a text I received from a friend. Telling me that he thinks he saw Manuel at the club he was waiting for me. (A lie, it was since he was bored waiting for me. A lie which apparently came at the right time.) The guy struggled to make me follow him. In vain as I ignored his words and walked away. He threatened again but I just laughed at him, telling him that I could see his lies. He admitted it all but still said he could drag me easily and beat me up. In a place full of people? He wouldn’t even dare to. So I kept walking away with him still threatening me and his friend joining him in the game. They quitted as soon as I found my friends.

So today for once more I realise my attitude for self-destruction I guess. As once more I get disappointed by the cruelty of people. By the cold in their souls. By their frozen hearts. “The feeling of self-preservation is stronger than the feeling of self-destruction..”

But what if self-preservation leads to self-destruction? And up to what point self-preservation should go? Should we save ourselves even if it means destroying everyone else? What if self-destruction saves somebody else?

Whatever the case I cannot be sure. But I also wonder as I bring back to my mind what happened in the “shopping street”, what was that? Was it really the music which brought us together? I doubt I was drawn by the music. I think it was them. The flame, burning in all of those people, the “members of the band”. It was like a spell pulling everyone near it. Magic. But magic doesn’t exist, does it? Nah. It does. And it’s everywhere around us. All it takes is to take a moment to enjoy it in the end.

*”Icy”: It’s the word I use to describe something fantastic. Better than “bubbly”. Moreover I used it to describe the feeling you get when you’re under an adrenaline rush.

Well let’s see.. Since Tuesday November the 9th I left my hometown as I write down in the “Pain of Departure” entry and moved to the capital of my country. Just so you know from now on I’ll refer to the city as the Capital. (Or maybe the C.. It sounds more catchy.) Anyway. Since it’s been since March that I haven’t posted anything in the C.o.aS.S. series I have just to point out some things. I graduated high school (and we held a hideous graduation night at my school which was fun too but way too “not such a big event we get to see in the movies” due to the lack of participation of students as well as due to the limited space and time we had for it. I had pretty much planned most of it and I wrote two small sketches for it albeit I ended up getting laid in a classroom while they were on). Anyhow I really don’t feel like writing down about me acting like a total slut right now – at least not at this paragraph. I didn’t get into a college though, despite scoring an average mark in the college exams. Not that I really cared about it. For now I’m just taking this one year off (and who knows maybe I’ll take the next one too) and hopefully I’ll get to travel around the world a bit. Nevertheless I’ve dumbed (or have been dumped by) most of my friends, I’ve met so many new people (and so many of them were so adorable), I partied ’till the morning every single day (as I pretty much still do so), I’ve worked everyday from 19:00 to 03:00 (and it was just a shop selling stuff and not a bar!!!), I’ve fought really bad with my parents during summertime but above all else I had a hell of a time. Trust me; it was far more than fabulously “bubbly*”.

I really could go on and start writing about the wild summer I had. I won’t though. It was just me acting like a slut, being a totally wasted bitch or being an arrogant PR whore. And I of course I was always stylish . You’d probably enjoy reading about all the stuff (good & bad) that happened to me but I honestly do doubt that I could put in at least decent time line. Well just imagine Ke$ha before she became rich going out. I could be her alter ego. Hahahahah. – I’m not kidding. Really. -

Well my first days in C. were not that “exciting”. I had just that “Surprise! I’m here for your b-day after all!” on my first night there for Abigail (friend of mine, becoming 17 years old) who lives in C. all year round, though I know her since we were little, adorable kids since she came to my hometown every summer. The funny thing is that as kids we never got along. We started hanging out like three years ago and now we’ve become really close friends. (She sent me a message today [11/25/2010] saying: “Where the fuck have you been?! Are you even alive?! You could be kind enough to stop ignoring me and reply to my texts!!” Well, I wish I could but I’m out of credit -.-’ ). Later on that night I went out with some other friends at a bar where we had a terrific time, though we did humiliated ourselves badly.

Up to Friday [11/12/2010] there wasn’t that much going on though. I did go out and everything but nothing worth mentioning happened I guess. Or it happened and I have totally forgotten it (Laaaame!!). On Friday night I went to Abigail’s b-day party at something like a live-music & wine-only bar thing. Weird. At first I wasn’t so fond about it but I went, since there would be other friends of me whom I hadn’t since for a long while. But it turned out to be a total blast! We all pretty much got drunk with that stupid red wine we were drinking all the time and Abigail was even called up to sing with another guy. Oh and one of the singers – he was just way too hot! (Yep it’s me again acting like a slut!)

Nevertheless I left a while before 02:00 o’clock ’cause I had arranged to go out with Sven and some friends of him at Army Academy (the biggest gay club in C. and in my country in general). If Abigail’s party was a blast then I really don’t have any words to describe the fun I had there. I hadn’t seen Sven in months and so we had a lot of catching up to do. At the beginning we were talking about how we’ve been since the last time we met. Apparently he broke up with his boyfriend (though I think they are back together now since they are leaving for London together today) and that night there was that Spanish guy he couldn’t get with. And I couldn’t help hating him for having that amazingly fabulous, gorgeously perfect, breathtakingly great (etc, etc) hot pink hair!!!

Also I saw Julia again! Fuck but I had missed that guy. Oh yeah Julia is in fact a guy. But he holds Drag Shows at Army Academy every Wednesday and Julia is his nickname. He’s a crazy, awesome, wild guy who had blurred that perfect pick-up line when some friends of mine went at Army Academy: “Boys! My vagina is clapping!” (It sounds better in my language but you wouldn’t understand it).

Anyway, after several hours of non-stop dancing in the cages and on the bar-tops, me and Sven ended up, totally exhausted, sitting at a bar-like structure (It’s basically a huge bar, with no barmen or anything behind, made for people to dance on but it serves as a table too). I was literally sitting on it while Sven was next to it. He kept on babbling about that stupid Spanish guy which in fact was pretty bogus*. But fun at the same time. And then as I was looking for my lighter to light up my cigarette, I saw him.

He was sat on the bar-like-structure near me but not too close. He was staring at me but as I turned his way he gazed away. Up to that point I had been really disappointed with the guys in the bar but he; gosh he was handsome. He had dark hair (not sure about the exact colour since it was pretty dark in the club), pretty short with the upper hair lifted upwards with hairspray but not exactly in that hideous, stupid way every gay person seems to have them in this country (The only person who has this haircut and I like it is Sven ’cause he constantly keeps them died in terrific colours!!). He was shorter than I am, I guess about 3′ 5″ (1.75 m.) or something less. Or more. I really suck at that stuff. He was slim but not that skinny type of guy. And for real “size zero” is so outdated in both women and men. He wasn’t muscular at all. Maybe he had a quite toned chest but I couldn’t see it since he had his shirt. He had a really cute and childish face (yep I get to like those adorable “baby-faced” guys a lot lately) though his nose was a little bit weird but I guess nobody is perfect! And he can always have a nose job to fix it. Nah I’m kidding it wasn’t that bad. Well for a reason what really got stuck on my mind about him was that earring he had on one of his ears. And I usually to pay attention to details like this. Anyway from what I could tell he must have been about my age (meaning eighteen to twenty).

But there was a “bad” thing about him. He is apparently extremely timid and shy. As long as Sven was speaking to me, that guy didn’t dare to speak to me. Anytime Sven stopped, he tried to move closer and start talking but as soon as Sven spoke to me again he backed off. Like what?! And I have that “law”: “I never hit on anybody. I might pin them down with my eyes to draw them to me but it’s their job to come and speak to me.”

Thankfully Julia saved me! He came and started speaking to Sven and the guy approached me. I must admit I was really happy about it.

“Could I have a cigarette?” he asked me.

God! I really must stared at him jaw-dropped and everything! Like what the fuck?! As I struggled not to start calling him names, I decided to drop the really-mean-bitch attitude and become the polite guy. Who’s still a bitch though.

“Of course, honey.” was my reply and I gave him my cigarette packet which had one last cigarette in. And I was well-aware of that fact and there’s that unwritten law about not taking somebody’s last cigarette. He gives it back to me saying that he doesn’t want to take my last cigarette.

“You really think I’d offer you one if I didn’t have any more?” I asked as I threw back the packet. Reluctantly he took it. Gosh I enjoy making those people, who find the stupidest hook-up lines to tell, feel uncomfortable. And by the time he had lit it up, Julia had disappeared and Sven started talking to me again. The guy pulled back but I could see him staring at me. “What the fuck do you want now?” I thought to myself. I was extremely mad about not even saying anything else to me but he was still staring at me! And apparently he didn’t just want that cigarette. When Sven went to the restroom, the guy approached me again.

“I’m Manuel by the way.” he said smiling somewhat faintly. I introduced myself and gave my hand.

“You always give your hand when you’re meeting somebody. It’s not polite to do otherwise.” I said in a bitchy attitude. That’s a given. You always shake hands when you meet with somebody. It’s bubbly and stylish (in the way I consider stylish to be). Anyway we kept speaking for a while, although I don’t really remember what we were talking about ’till Sven came back. Then once more Manuel pulled away but this time he got off the bar-like-structure too. How much I wanted to kill Sven at that moment!!! Thankfully he wanted to leave but I told him I’d stay so he left on his own. The following night I apologised to him for being a slut and letting him go away alone and explained what happened.

Well I tried to find Manuel but I was totally unsuccessful and just as I was saying my goodbyes to Julia and Elena (a lesbian girl working at Army Academy too), totally disappointed and mad that I lost him, I saw him walking my way again. Well we started chatting as we sat at a table in the “outer” part of Army Academy (It’s divided in three parts: the “inner” one where all the dancing is going on and where all the cages and that bar-like-structure are. The “outer” one which is divided by a thick bulletproof glass from the inner one and there are mostly tables there and a bar and people usually chill out there as the music is heard less loud due to the thick glass. The last one is the yard but it’s open only during the summer.)

Unfortunately Manuel ended up being extremely timid after all and too shy to do anything but speak. In fact even speaking seemed too hard for him. And despite showing that he was into me and all my attempts to get with him, we didn’t end up together that night. In the end he left as the bar closed down at 06:00 o’clock in the morning. I left just a while after he did and I ended up making out with some other guy I met in front of the metro. Whom I just kicked away after a couple of kisses since he really sucked at it.

Saturday [11/13/2010] was an even more dramatic/scenic/hilarious/humiliating/etc night. I went again to Army Academy with Sven and some friends after I went to another club in the same neighbourhood earlier. Well as usually I was drunk. Again. And Sven was pretty drunk too. So we were soon up the cages, dancing like wild. Unfortunately, Manuel wasn’t there though. Anyway we had a hell of a time dancing and screaming on the cages. But of course after some time we got so exhausted that we had to get down. And as we were “relaxing” at the outer part of Army Academy (from now on I’ll refer to it as A.A. [gosh I've got no idea why I didn't think of that earlier]), there’s a guy coming and hitting on me.

Apparently he had hit on me a couple of months ago, a fact which I have to admit that I don’t remember at all. Anyway I tried my best to just ignore his “sexual advances” although we were talking to each other about irrelevant subjects. He had a friend with him too, a girl, who was, in fact, so much prettier than him. Anyway I’ll call that guy just Tall because I really can’t recall his name and in fact he was extremely tall. Like 4′ tall.

So after some time I decided to go to the inner part, which was packed, to look for Manuel once more. They both come with me inside. Tall was like holding me from my waist and I couldn’t help being a bitch again. As I look out for Manuel though, there’s that other guy who comes from behind me and starts caressing me. And he was deadly ewwww!! And the worst thing is that he couldn’t get the fact that I wasn’t interested at all in him. So with Sven nowhere in sight (we have a special signal every time we need to be saved by people hitting on us), I needed somebody to save me from that disgusting and hideously stupid guy. And Tall was standing next to me. So of course I got the greatest idea that has ever occurred to me.

I grabbed Tall and kissed him. Thankfully that was enough for the other guy to leave me alone. But now I had to get rid of Tall. Yep. I’m so fudging great at making things more complicated than they are. And so I ended up like walking around the club constantly trying to think of a plan to get myself out of that shit. To no avail though. So I pretty much ended up making out with him and had to listen to all those stupidities he was saying, while was going to the table of my friends, screaming to get me out of there. Thankfully in the end I managed to just get him away from me by saying that I have to sit with my friends a bit ’cause they’ll be mad at me for ignoring them the whole night. It took him half an hour to realise that I wouldn’t be going back to him and leave the club.

The funniest thing about it was when he came to ask for a way to contact me and I was like: “Oh I could give you my FB but I don’t use it at all. I could give you my number but I’ve lost my phone!” (a total lie the last but it was the first thing that it came to my mind).

And soon Sven had some boy problems too, so we both ended up trying to get away from people we didn’t want to be with. Well I could really be more detailed about it but I don’t think there would be any point in that. After all this entry is all about Manuel. Basically mostly about Manuel.

Oh and as we were leaving Sven realised that a friend of ours had taken his bag by mistake so he was left with pretty much nothing other than his mobile. We gave him money so he could grab something to and then take the metro home. Just to get there and realise that his keys were in bag too! He called me, screaming and not knowing what to do but apparently his older brother woke up by the screams and opened the door.

Well anyway I’ll skip the weekdays where I got around several bars and dance club in C. and get to the following Friday [11/19/2010]. That was literally my worst night-out in a very long time.

At this point I have to get back to Manuel for a bit. I usually don’t care about a guy or a girl for more than an hour. Or maybe even half an hour. There have only been two exceptions only, one for whom I cared for a year and a half and the second one for whom I cared for approximately six months. I guess Manuel is the third exception. For a reason that guy has been stuck in my head so badly that in fact I went out that Friday, despite being a total wreck, just to find him. And even now that I’m writing this I haven’t been able to get him out of my head. Truth be told, I am also arranging with two  friends of mine, Lil Lemon & Akarui, both girls, to go through every place in the gay neighborhood so I can find him. Pathetic, I know. And so not myself, chasing somebody like that. And that’s bad. Like really bad.

Anyway on Friday I had arranged with some friends to go out at A.A. again but half of them bailed out last-minute. The other half would be late. I ended up waiting for them on my own and thankfully Julia & Elena were keeping me company. Just to find out that my friends went to another club after all. And that was after they had set me up for like two hours. I found them there and we had fun indeed but at 04:30 we left. They took a cab home while I decided to wait for the metro to start operating (it does approximately at 05:30).

Well I was sitting at a bench looking out for Manuel and just when I saw him, a guy appears out of nowhere and hits on me. And for real, if there was a genetic lottery that guy had definitely picked the worst ticket! I tried my best to get him out of my face as soon as possible but by the time I did, Manuel was nowhere to be found. Bogus. Then there’s that other guy hitting on me, who thankfully is pretty handsome but gosh somebody should tell him that being an indie guy doesn’t mean you don’t have to wash at least four times a week (I was the one to tell him so apparently)!! And once more, as we were speaking I saw Manuel again but again I couldn’t get the guy off me before losing sight of Manuel. Lastly, there’s that guy who comes to hit on me. At first he seems to be just somebody waiting for the metro and needs some company. Friendly and a gentleman and OLD! Then he starts hitting on me being daring enough to even reveal the fact that he’s married with children but he has a “second, beautiful house where we could go”, as he told me. I tried to be polite but it didn’t quite work out. But surely I just made it clear in the most kind way possible that I’m not interested. For real what was he thinking telling me he has children? I wouldn’t care for his wife, but his children? That’s another story.

But apparently old people in C. have a thing for me. And that’s extremely bogus. I mean what the fuck? I’ve been here for like two weeks and nearly ten people aging over 50 have hit on me.

Anyway on Saturday [11/20/2010], I went out to Army Academy again with Sven. I needed a really great night after that awful Friday night. Okay. I went there mostly in hope of finding Manuel. But it was a terrific night indeed. We drank, we danced and I found another friend of mine whom I hadn’t seen since the summer. He’s named Chris and he’s straight but he has several gay/bisexual friends other than me and Sven who had dragged him over to Army Academy. Well I found Manuel. But he was sitting with another guy, not making out but being really close. Like boyfriends close.  Yes. i was shocked and pretty angry. And double those against myself. For real I’ve got no idea what has gotten into me. What the fuck? How can I care so much for somebody?! I’m never like that. And it ain’t like I want a relationship (Gosh no!) with him or anything. Okay, maybe I’d like an open-relationship (which in fact I think they are the only relationships I can handle without being driven mad).

The worst thing though is that I did something for the very first time. And I know it will sound stupid being shocked about doing it (I’m pretty sure that most of you have done it at least once) but it’s just not me. You see, when I saw Manuel leaving the club alone (I was near the exit), I just grabbed Chris from his hand and dragged him out to find Manuel. Really I don’t know why I did this. As I have no idea why I took Chris with me too. As he asked me that I was like: “Really, no idea why. Maybe I thought of you like an accessory – you know like I’ll always have a bag with me.”

I know. Bitchy. Thank god he didn’t get insulted. I really like (not sexually) Chris. He’s a nice guy. Well unfortunately I lost Manuel somewhere. Maybe he took a turn at a point and I missed him. No idea.

Anyhow I think the most terrific thing of the night was after we left Army Academy with Sven, nearly at 07:30 in the morning. He was wasted. After grabbing something to eat we took the metro to our homes. He was so drunk (but not throwing up, yet) that I agreed in taking him home. And so as we get off the metro to grab a different line to get to his place he was feeling like throwing up. So I took him outside to do so. Well we weren’t that fast. Just a couple of meters from the station’s exit he starts vomiting. I really can’t put into words how hilarious it was to see him throwing up and not even stopping walking like nothing had ever happened. That was when another “old” guy hit on me with that cheesy line “I’m really talented and we’ll have fun”. Anyway it took us like two hours to get to his place and then I had to get back to mine and clean as my mother would be coming to town at 15:30 or something. I got home at 11:00 approximately and fell asleep after cleaning up, as good as I could, at 13:00 something. To wake up two hours later when my mum arrived.

Well it was tiring having my mum in town ’cause she wanted me to wake up early and stuff. But fun too. Well  she left on Wednesday.

And as I complete this it’s Saturday [11/27/2010]. I’d write about yesterday going out but this entry is getting pretty big and I’d like to apologize for that. I really cut out several parts for that reason. Well Manuel is still stuck in my mind though. I can’t help it and I try my best to get along with it.

It seems that no matter how we act and what our preferences are, we are bound to meet that somebody who will throw us head over heels. Good or bad? Time will tell I guess. And in the end, we get to do the most inexplicable things to get with him/her. Things that we’ve might never done before. But I really believe that we have to have fun too and not just chase that person. Maybe we’ll never get with him or maybe we won’t want him by the time we have him. And even if we are really happy with him and everything, I doubt anybody is worth wasting so much time for. (It sounds ironical for me saying it since I chased Manuel badly but still I really enjoyed it in the meantime, so it’s not such a waste of time. I think).

In the end.. Who are we living for..?

*”Bubbly”: I use it to describe something really fun or nice etc. It has a positive meaning. And it’s one of my favourite words to use nowadays.

*”Bogus”: I use it as an antonym to “bubbly”. With it I describe something annoying etc. So it has a negative meaning. Also one of my favourite words to use nowadays.

*I know both have different meaning though!