Countdown: #1 “Self-Destruct Truth” – #2 “Magic Does Exist..?”

First of all; I literally HATE my internet connection!! In the last three days it has been so *^&%ed up that although I could log on the internet I was unable to post anything on this blog. So I ended up not posting three entries because of that. Well just so you know this one entry is two combined. The first part was to be posted on December 1st and the second part on December 2nd.

Wednesday, December 1st 2010

“Self-Destruct Truth”

Today is the first day of December. Thirty more days ’till the year 2010 comes to an end. Other than that, it is the World AIDS day (I had a post ready for this but as I explained above I was unable to  post it *mad face*). So I decided that for the next 30 days of this last month I will post an entry, small one, about things that have caught my attention. About things I do or think. Expectations I have or disappointments I get. Most of those entries will be posted one day later or if I manage to, they will be posted by the end of the day they are about. The entries might be daily or some days might not be included. Not all of my days are worth mentioning and unfortunately I don’t have the time to daily update this blog.

I really hope I can post some pictures of things I’ve noticed but since my camera has broken down I’ll have to rely on my sister’s. Whenever she doesn’t take it. The reason why I decided to do this is unknown even to me. I thought it would be “amusing” to see how my perception of things change day by day. How some things, so simple and plain, fascinate me when other, far more elaborate and “exciting”, fail to do so. The way my high expectations disappoint me or hurt me.

Well nevertheless, the first day of December finds me struggling with my insomnia which is getting worse and worse day by day. It’s just another sleepless day. In fact I slept today from 18:00 to 21:30 after several sleepless days. It exhausts me but at the same time it makes me feel more “icy”* than usual. So today wasn’t that great day after all. Only once I woke up and went out with some friends at approximately 23:00 o’clock things worth mentioning happened.

What I realised is that I have the attitude to fail to meet deadlines. I really suck at it. I really can’t help it. Whether I want or not I’ll end up being late. No matter how much I struggle to make it on time.

Anyhow, the first day of December found me trapped in a “he said, she said” game once more. That stupid thing which goes like: “Oh that one told me that about you which was told by that one and blah blah blah.” I don’t care. It still annoys me. And I can’t get the reason why people tend to think so highly of this stupidity. Nevertheless through this I realised something about a person who I considered a friend. Surprisingly it didn’t hurt me. Maybe because I had nearly realised it by myself. I’ve got no idea. But I didn’t even got disappointed by the fact that this specific person doesn’t like me that much.

But what really surprised me today was the fact that people expect me to be emotionless. I’m the slut who has no feelings. Am I? If I’m not, should I be?

And I wonder. People usually like me – or hate me – just because of that. Because I’m unafraid to speak my mind, unafraid to hurt them with my truth. Because I’m emotionless. But at the same time don’t they want me to love them too? If I really was emotionless, would they like me then? Would they like that absolutely cold-hearted bitch I can be? I’m not emotionless. I am not unafraid to speak the truth whether it will hurt somebody or not. It hurts me to hurt people I love or like.

But what Lil’ Lemon had posted on her FB status today that “the feeling of self-preservation is stronger than that of self-destruction” just doesn’t seem to be my case. Not for a long while. It just seems that with every step I take I get to ruin myself even more. And day by day this gets worse. And albeit I can see it, I don’t seem to be able to stop it. I apparently like seeing myself on the floor, crawling. I open up to people, knowing that they will most probably hurt me and disappoint me. But I still do. For I can’t stand the fact that I didn’t give the chance to somebody to show me what he/she is.

So in the end, is taking chances a way of self-destruction..?

Thursday, December 2nd 2010

“Magic Does Exist..?”

So this today’s entry begins by midnight, just a while after Lil’ Lemon and Akarui left for their homes. I remained downtown. Lately I seem to enjoy more than ever to be on my own, wandering around the town. For no reason in particular. Though I soon found some friends who were out partying downtown and arranged to meet them. The first thing that surprised me was around at 00:30 as I walked to “gay neighbourhood” of C. (in fact most of the clubs and bars are in that neighbourhood – gay or not -). I could listen to music as I approached the middle of the “shopping street” of the capital. But the street was nearly. But as I got there (there’s a small square there too), I saw them. Two people playing guitar and singing with other people having joined them. And they were singing loudly, happily Bob Marley’s “No Woman, No Cry”. But they weren’t alone.

They were surrounded by other people who happened to pass by and decided to sit down and enjoy the music. And I couldn’t help it. I stopped and sat down at the street near to other people. Entwined by the feelings which were floating in the air. Not just by the music but by everything. By the way people who had other things to do. Had friends waiting for them to go out, had decided to stop and enjoy the music.

There was that woman sitting close to me. Dressed formally and everything, carrying that briefcase, looking so firm and serious. A lawyer maybe? Two girls sitting on a bench holding each other in their laps. They even kissed. But no one cared to start calling them names. A girl with eyes red and her make up destroyed by tears. She was smiling now though. A couple of friends laughing and talking loudly. Immigrants. Locals. Junkies. Gays. Rich. Poor. Sad. Happy. Alone. Accompanied. Betrayed. Disappointed. Suppressed. Overjoyed. Carefree. They were there among the small crowd formed in that square. But it was of no importance. As the “band” sang happily, laughing and enjoying themselves, it didn’t matter. All of us were just people. People who enjoyed the magic of the moment. Who soon were dragged into it, as the “band members” pulled us all to sing along whether we could sing or not. To play an instrument whether we knew how to or not.

And no one seemed to try to put down somebody. We were all having fun. And in the darkness of the night, the street was full of colours. An amazing scenery painted by us and spreading around little by little. Getting bigger or smaller as people joined in or left. Magical and colourful. Despite being dark and cold it felt warm and there was light. It was our light, our warmth. It was caused by the way we had opened up, allowed each other to approach us as who he/she is and not as a fake veil.  No matter who he or she was. Because we were there. Brought together by something, opened up to a temporary world where we were just humans. Was it the music? Was it the outcome, the destructive outburst of our attitude of being cold to each other as we wander in the vast city? Was it just magic?

The other thing which surprised me was not that good. It was a man who spoke to me, asking for money. Claiming he got AIDS and everything and even daring to threaten me that he has a needle on him and if I don’t check if I have money on me that he will stick me with it, so I’d get ill too. Well the first surprise was the fact that I wasn’t scared. I was fascinated by it, by that rush. And despite his constant threats I didn’t leave. I could go on and leave. There were people around and easily I could draw attention to myself. But I didn’t want to. I know well that people with AIDS tend to harbour hate for other people. From what I know, there was a case once of people having deliberately sex with others so they could infect them with AIDS. Just because they felt that it was unfair for themselves to get AIDS.

Nevertheless I didn’t leave. For a reason I felt like a moth drawn to the flame, I was drawn to the danger of his words. Soon to realise that they were lies. And that was the second surprise. How that man could pretend, lie for a thing like that. I know the world we live ain’t a paradise. But with such ease? With no remorse in his eyes? And little by little I could see everything he claimed was a lie. The needle? It was sealed, unused. The guy sitting over there, on the bench against us? He was with him. A carefully planned trick it was. To get as much money they could from their “victims”. I could drop out from the game but I kept playing. Taking steps towards self-destruction, once more apparently. Wanting my mobile to call his brother, thinking I was unable to see that he wasn’t calling anybody. And then trying to walk away with it, going to the place he would supposedly meet him. Of course while people were around just as I asked he gave it back to me. Afraid of the fact I could draw attention to me. He didn’t want that yet. He just tried to get me to a more isolated place. And I just followed him. I don’t know why I couldn’t bring myself to walk away. I would lose control as soon as there was no one around. But I just walked towards that destruction. Still feeling my heart beating fast, entwined by the magic of what had happened before at the “shopping street”.

But in the end I bailed out. Foolishly by a text I received from a friend. Telling me that he thinks he saw Manuel at the club he was waiting for me. (A lie, it was since he was bored waiting for me. A lie which apparently came at the right time.) The guy struggled to make me follow him. In vain as I ignored his words and walked away. He threatened again but I just laughed at him, telling him that I could see his lies. He admitted it all but still said he could drag me easily and beat me up. In a place full of people? He wouldn’t even dare to. So I kept walking away with him still threatening me and his friend joining him in the game. They quitted as soon as I found my friends.

So today for once more I realise my attitude for self-destruction I guess. As once more I get disappointed by the cruelty of people. By the cold in their souls. By their frozen hearts. “The feeling of self-preservation is stronger than the feeling of self-destruction..”

But what if self-preservation leads to self-destruction? And up to what point self-preservation should go? Should we save ourselves even if it means destroying everyone else? What if self-destruction saves somebody else?

Whatever the case I cannot be sure. But I also wonder as I bring back to my mind what happened in the “shopping street”, what was that? Was it really the music which brought us together? I doubt I was drawn by the music. I think it was them. The flame, burning in all of those people, the “members of the band”. It was like a spell pulling everyone near it. Magic. But magic doesn’t exist, does it? Nah. It does. And it’s everywhere around us. All it takes is to take a moment to enjoy it in the end.

*”Icy”: It’s the word I use to describe something fantastic. Better than “bubbly”. Moreover I used it to describe the feeling you get when you’re under an adrenaline rush.