Confessions of a Shattered Soul #4

Okay I know. It’s been two weeks since I updated this blog though I promised I would update it soon. Well it seems that I indeed suck in keeping promises. Sometimes at least (I know well I’m never on time but every diva who respects herself/himself must be at least two hours late ;P )

Well let’s see.. Since Tuesday November the 9th I left my hometown as I write down in the “Pain of Departure” entry and moved to the capital of my country. Just so you know from now on I’ll refer to the city as the Capital. (Or maybe the C.. It sounds more catchy.) Anyway. Since it’s been since March that I haven’t posted anything in the C.o.aS.S. series I have just to point out some things. I graduated high school (and we held a hideous graduation night at my school which was fun too but way too “not such a big event we get to see in the movies” due to the lack of participation of students as well as due to the limited space and time we had for it. I had pretty much planned most of it and I wrote two small sketches for it albeit I ended up getting laid in a classroom while they were on). Anyhow I really don’t feel like writing down about me acting like a total slut right now – at least not at this paragraph. I didn’t get into a college though, despite scoring an average mark in the college exams. Not that I really cared about it. For now I’m just taking this one year off (and who knows maybe I’ll take the next one too) and hopefully I’ll get to travel around the world a bit. Nevertheless I’ve dumbed (or have been dumped by) most of my friends, I’ve met so many new people (and so many of them were so adorable), I partied ’till the morning every single day (as I pretty much still do so), I’ve worked everyday from 19:00 to 03:00 (and it was just a shop selling stuff and not a bar!!!), I’ve fought really bad with my parents during summertime but above all else I had a hell of a time. Trust me; it was far more than fabulously “bubbly*”.

I really could go on and start writing about the wild summer I had. I won’t though. It was just me acting like a slut, being a totally wasted bitch or being an arrogant PR whore. And I of course I was always stylish . You’d probably enjoy reading about all the stuff (good & bad) that happened to me but I honestly do doubt that I could put in at least decent time line. Well just imagine Ke$ha before she became rich going out. I could be her alter ego. Hahahahah. – I’m not kidding. Really. -

Well my first days in C. were not that “exciting”. I had just that “Surprise! I’m here for your b-day after all!” on my first night there for Abigail (friend of mine, becoming 17 years old) who lives in C. all year round, though I know her since we were little, adorable kids since she came to my hometown every summer. The funny thing is that as kids we never got along. We started hanging out like three years ago and now we’ve become really close friends. (She sent me a message today [11/25/2010] saying: “Where the fuck have you been?! Are you even alive?! You could be kind enough to stop ignoring me and reply to my texts!!” Well, I wish I could but I’m out of credit -.-’ ). Later on that night I went out with some other friends at a bar where we had a terrific time, though we did humiliated ourselves badly.

Up to Friday [11/12/2010] there wasn’t that much going on though. I did go out and everything but nothing worth mentioning happened I guess. Or it happened and I have totally forgotten it (Laaaame!!). On Friday night I went to Abigail’s b-day party at something like a live-music & wine-only bar thing. Weird. At first I wasn’t so fond about it but I went, since there would be other friends of me whom I hadn’t since for a long while. But it turned out to be a total blast! We all pretty much got drunk with that stupid red wine we were drinking all the time and Abigail was even called up to sing with another guy. Oh and one of the singers – he was just way too hot! (Yep it’s me again acting like a slut!)

Nevertheless I left a while before 02:00 o’clock ’cause I had arranged to go out with Sven and some friends of him at Army Academy (the biggest gay club in C. and in my country in general). If Abigail’s party was a blast then I really don’t have any words to describe the fun I had there. I hadn’t seen Sven in months and so we had a lot of catching up to do. At the beginning we were talking about how we’ve been since the last time we met. Apparently he broke up with his boyfriend (though I think they are back together now since they are leaving for London together today) and that night there was that Spanish guy he couldn’t get with. And I couldn’t help hating him for having that amazingly fabulous, gorgeously perfect, breathtakingly great (etc, etc) hot pink hair!!!

Also I saw Julia again! Fuck but I had missed that guy. Oh yeah Julia is in fact a guy. But he holds Drag Shows at Army Academy every Wednesday and Julia is his nickname. He’s a crazy, awesome, wild guy who had blurred that perfect pick-up line when some friends of mine went at Army Academy: “Boys! My vagina is clapping!” (It sounds better in my language but you wouldn’t understand it).

Anyway, after several hours of non-stop dancing in the cages and on the bar-tops, me and Sven ended up, totally exhausted, sitting at a bar-like structure (It’s basically a huge bar, with no barmen or anything behind, made for people to dance on but it serves as a table too). I was literally sitting on it while Sven was next to it. He kept on babbling about that stupid Spanish guy which in fact was pretty bogus*. But fun at the same time. And then as I was looking for my lighter to light up my cigarette, I saw him.

He was sat on the bar-like-structure near me but not too close. He was staring at me but as I turned his way he gazed away. Up to that point I had been really disappointed with the guys in the bar but he; gosh he was handsome. He had dark hair (not sure about the exact colour since it was pretty dark in the club), pretty short with the upper hair lifted upwards with hairspray but not exactly in that hideous, stupid way every gay person seems to have them in this country (The only person who has this haircut and I like it is Sven ’cause he constantly keeps them died in terrific colours!!). He was shorter than I am, I guess about 3′ 5″ (1.75 m.) or something less. Or more. I really suck at that stuff. He was slim but not that skinny type of guy. And for real “size zero” is so outdated in both women and men. He wasn’t muscular at all. Maybe he had a quite toned chest but I couldn’t see it since he had his shirt. He had a really cute and childish face (yep I get to like those adorable “baby-faced” guys a lot lately) though his nose was a little bit weird but I guess nobody is perfect! And he can always have a nose job to fix it. Nah I’m kidding it wasn’t that bad. Well for a reason what really got stuck on my mind about him was that earring he had on one of his ears. And I usually to pay attention to details like this. Anyway from what I could tell he must have been about my age (meaning eighteen to twenty).

But there was a “bad” thing about him. He is apparently extremely timid and shy. As long as Sven was speaking to me, that guy didn’t dare to speak to me. Anytime Sven stopped, he tried to move closer and start talking but as soon as Sven spoke to me again he backed off. Like what?! And I have that “law”: “I never hit on anybody. I might pin them down with my eyes to draw them to me but it’s their job to come and speak to me.”

Thankfully Julia saved me! He came and started speaking to Sven and the guy approached me. I must admit I was really happy about it.

“Could I have a cigarette?” he asked me.

God! I really must stared at him jaw-dropped and everything! Like what the fuck?! As I struggled not to start calling him names, I decided to drop the really-mean-bitch attitude and become the polite guy. Who’s still a bitch though.

“Of course, honey.” was my reply and I gave him my cigarette packet which had one last cigarette in. And I was well-aware of that fact and there’s that unwritten law about not taking somebody’s last cigarette. He gives it back to me saying that he doesn’t want to take my last cigarette.

“You really think I’d offer you one if I didn’t have any more?” I asked as I threw back the packet. Reluctantly he took it. Gosh I enjoy making those people, who find the stupidest hook-up lines to tell, feel uncomfortable. And by the time he had lit it up, Julia had disappeared and Sven started talking to me again. The guy pulled back but I could see him staring at me. “What the fuck do you want now?” I thought to myself. I was extremely mad about not even saying anything else to me but he was still staring at me! And apparently he didn’t just want that cigarette. When Sven went to the restroom, the guy approached me again.

“I’m Manuel by the way.” he said smiling somewhat faintly. I introduced myself and gave my hand.

“You always give your hand when you’re meeting somebody. It’s not polite to do otherwise.” I said in a bitchy attitude. That’s a given. You always shake hands when you meet with somebody. It’s bubbly and stylish (in the way I consider stylish to be). Anyway we kept speaking for a while, although I don’t really remember what we were talking about ’till Sven came back. Then once more Manuel pulled away but this time he got off the bar-like-structure too. How much I wanted to kill Sven at that moment!!! Thankfully he wanted to leave but I told him I’d stay so he left on his own. The following night I apologised to him for being a slut and letting him go away alone and explained what happened.

Well I tried to find Manuel but I was totally unsuccessful and just as I was saying my goodbyes to Julia and Elena (a lesbian girl working at Army Academy too), totally disappointed and mad that I lost him, I saw him walking my way again. Well we started chatting as we sat at a table in the “outer” part of Army Academy (It’s divided in three parts: the “inner” one where all the dancing is going on and where all the cages and that bar-like-structure are. The “outer” one which is divided by a thick bulletproof glass from the inner one and there are mostly tables there and a bar and people usually chill out there as the music is heard less loud due to the thick glass. The last one is the yard but it’s open only during the summer.)

Unfortunately Manuel ended up being extremely timid after all and too shy to do anything but speak. In fact even speaking seemed too hard for him. And despite showing that he was into me and all my attempts to get with him, we didn’t end up together that night. In the end he left as the bar closed down at 06:00 o’clock in the morning. I left just a while after he did and I ended up making out with some other guy I met in front of the metro. Whom I just kicked away after a couple of kisses since he really sucked at it.

Saturday [11/13/2010] was an even more dramatic/scenic/hilarious/humiliating/etc night. I went again to Army Academy with Sven and some friends after I went to another club in the same neighbourhood earlier. Well as usually I was drunk. Again. And Sven was pretty drunk too. So we were soon up the cages, dancing like wild. Unfortunately, Manuel wasn’t there though. Anyway we had a hell of a time dancing and screaming on the cages. But of course after some time we got so exhausted that we had to get down. And as we were “relaxing” at the outer part of Army Academy (from now on I’ll refer to it as A.A. [gosh I've got no idea why I didn't think of that earlier]), there’s a guy coming and hitting on me.

Apparently he had hit on me a couple of months ago, a fact which I have to admit that I don’t remember at all. Anyway I tried my best to just ignore his “sexual advances” although we were talking to each other about irrelevant subjects. He had a friend with him too, a girl, who was, in fact, so much prettier than him. Anyway I’ll call that guy just Tall because I really can’t recall his name and in fact he was extremely tall. Like 4′ tall.

So after some time I decided to go to the inner part, which was packed, to look for Manuel once more. They both come with me inside. Tall was like holding me from my waist and I couldn’t help being a bitch again. As I look out for Manuel though, there’s that other guy who comes from behind me and starts caressing me. And he was deadly ewwww!! And the worst thing is that he couldn’t get the fact that I wasn’t interested at all in him. So with Sven nowhere in sight (we have a special signal every time we need to be saved by people hitting on us), I needed somebody to save me from that disgusting and hideously stupid guy. And Tall was standing next to me. So of course I got the greatest idea that has ever occurred to me.

I grabbed Tall and kissed him. Thankfully that was enough for the other guy to leave me alone. But now I had to get rid of Tall. Yep. I’m so fudging great at making things more complicated than they are. And so I ended up like walking around the club constantly trying to think of a plan to get myself out of that shit. To no avail though. So I pretty much ended up making out with him and had to listen to all those stupidities he was saying, while was going to the table of my friends, screaming to get me out of there. Thankfully in the end I managed to just get him away from me by saying that I have to sit with my friends a bit ’cause they’ll be mad at me for ignoring them the whole night. It took him half an hour to realise that I wouldn’t be going back to him and leave the club.

The funniest thing about it was when he came to ask for a way to contact me and I was like: “Oh I could give you my FB but I don’t use it at all. I could give you my number but I’ve lost my phone!” (a total lie the last but it was the first thing that it came to my mind).

And soon Sven had some boy problems too, so we both ended up trying to get away from people we didn’t want to be with. Well I could really be more detailed about it but I don’t think there would be any point in that. After all this entry is all about Manuel. Basically mostly about Manuel.

Oh and as we were leaving Sven realised that a friend of ours had taken his bag by mistake so he was left with pretty much nothing other than his mobile. We gave him money so he could grab something to and then take the metro home. Just to get there and realise that his keys were in bag too! He called me, screaming and not knowing what to do but apparently his older brother woke up by the screams and opened the door.

Well anyway I’ll skip the weekdays where I got around several bars and dance club in C. and get to the following Friday [11/19/2010]. That was literally my worst night-out in a very long time.

At this point I have to get back to Manuel for a bit. I usually don’t care about a guy or a girl for more than an hour. Or maybe even half an hour. There have only been two exceptions only, one for whom I cared for a year and a half and the second one for whom I cared for approximately six months. I guess Manuel is the third exception. For a reason that guy has been stuck in my head so badly that in fact I went out that Friday, despite being a total wreck, just to find him. And even now that I’m writing this I haven’t been able to get him out of my head. Truth be told, I am also arranging with two  friends of mine, Lil Lemon & Akarui, both girls, to go through every place in the gay neighborhood so I can find him. Pathetic, I know. And so not myself, chasing somebody like that. And that’s bad. Like really bad.

Anyway on Friday I had arranged with some friends to go out at A.A. again but half of them bailed out last-minute. The other half would be late. I ended up waiting for them on my own and thankfully Julia & Elena were keeping me company. Just to find out that my friends went to another club after all. And that was after they had set me up for like two hours. I found them there and we had fun indeed but at 04:30 we left. They took a cab home while I decided to wait for the metro to start operating (it does approximately at 05:30).

Well I was sitting at a bench looking out for Manuel and just when I saw him, a guy appears out of nowhere and hits on me. And for real, if there was a genetic lottery that guy had definitely picked the worst ticket! I tried my best to get him out of my face as soon as possible but by the time I did, Manuel was nowhere to be found. Bogus. Then there’s that other guy hitting on me, who thankfully is pretty handsome but gosh somebody should tell him that being an indie guy doesn’t mean you don’t have to wash at least four times a week (I was the one to tell him so apparently)!! And once more, as we were speaking I saw Manuel again but again I couldn’t get the guy off me before losing sight of Manuel. Lastly, there’s that guy who comes to hit on me. At first he seems to be just somebody waiting for the metro and needs some company. Friendly and a gentleman and OLD! Then he starts hitting on me being daring enough to even reveal the fact that he’s married with children but he has a “second, beautiful house where we could go”, as he told me. I tried to be polite but it didn’t quite work out. But surely I just made it clear in the most kind way possible that I’m not interested. For real what was he thinking telling me he has children? I wouldn’t care for his wife, but his children? That’s another story.

But apparently old people in C. have a thing for me. And that’s extremely bogus. I mean what the fuck? I’ve been here for like two weeks and nearly ten people aging over 50 have hit on me.

Anyway on Saturday [11/20/2010], I went out to Army Academy again with Sven. I needed a really great night after that awful Friday night. Okay. I went there mostly in hope of finding Manuel. But it was a terrific night indeed. We drank, we danced and I found another friend of mine whom I hadn’t seen since the summer. He’s named Chris and he’s straight but he has several gay/bisexual friends other than me and Sven who had dragged him over to Army Academy. Well I found Manuel. But he was sitting with another guy, not making out but being really close. Like boyfriends close.  Yes. i was shocked and pretty angry. And double those against myself. For real I’ve got no idea what has gotten into me. What the fuck? How can I care so much for somebody?! I’m never like that. And it ain’t like I want a relationship (Gosh no!) with him or anything. Okay, maybe I’d like an open-relationship (which in fact I think they are the only relationships I can handle without being driven mad).

The worst thing though is that I did something for the very first time. And I know it will sound stupid being shocked about doing it (I’m pretty sure that most of you have done it at least once) but it’s just not me. You see, when I saw Manuel leaving the club alone (I was near the exit), I just grabbed Chris from his hand and dragged him out to find Manuel. Really I don’t know why I did this. As I have no idea why I took Chris with me too. As he asked me that I was like: “Really, no idea why. Maybe I thought of you like an accessory – you know like I’ll always have a bag with me.”

I know. Bitchy. Thank god he didn’t get insulted. I really like (not sexually) Chris. He’s a nice guy. Well unfortunately I lost Manuel somewhere. Maybe he took a turn at a point and I missed him. No idea.

Anyhow I think the most terrific thing of the night was after we left Army Academy with Sven, nearly at 07:30 in the morning. He was wasted. After grabbing something to eat we took the metro to our homes. He was so drunk (but not throwing up, yet) that I agreed in taking him home. And so as we get off the metro to grab a different line to get to his place he was feeling like throwing up. So I took him outside to do so. Well we weren’t that fast. Just a couple of meters from the station’s exit he starts vomiting. I really can’t put into words how hilarious it was to see him throwing up and not even stopping walking like nothing had ever happened. That was when another “old” guy hit on me with that cheesy line “I’m really talented and we’ll have fun”. Anyway it took us like two hours to get to his place and then I had to get back to mine and clean as my mother would be coming to town at 15:30 or something. I got home at 11:00 approximately and fell asleep after cleaning up, as good as I could, at 13:00 something. To wake up two hours later when my mum arrived.

Well it was tiring having my mum in town ’cause she wanted me to wake up early and stuff. But fun too. Well  she left on Wednesday.

And as I complete this it’s Saturday [11/27/2010]. I’d write about yesterday going out but this entry is getting pretty big and I’d like to apologize for that. I really cut out several parts for that reason. Well Manuel is still stuck in my mind though. I can’t help it and I try my best to get along with it.

It seems that no matter how we act and what our preferences are, we are bound to meet that somebody who will throw us head over heels. Good or bad? Time will tell I guess. And in the end, we get to do the most inexplicable things to get with him/her. Things that we’ve might never done before. But I really believe that we have to have fun too and not just chase that person. Maybe we’ll never get with him or maybe we won’t want him by the time we have him. And even if we are really happy with him and everything, I doubt anybody is worth wasting so much time for. (It sounds ironical for me saying it since I chased Manuel badly but still I really enjoyed it in the meantime, so it’s not such a waste of time. I think).

In the end.. Who are we living for..?

*”Bubbly”: I use it to describe something really fun or nice etc. It has a positive meaning. And it’s one of my favourite words to use nowadays.

*”Bogus”: I use it as an antonym to “bubbly”. With it I describe something annoying etc. So it has a negative meaning. Also one of my favourite words to use nowadays.

*I know both have different meaning though!